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is it july 25th already?

you'd never know it by looking at my bedroom, but i am a scrupulously organized person. at least when it comes to project details. and every single one of my friends who have ever offered to help me with something know that i don't really trust anyone else to do it to my specifications.

which brings me to wedding plans.

i thought that my ridiculously anal nature would come in handy. i would have lists to keep me organized and everything would fall into place. riiiiiight.

i'm typing on my laptop right now, afraid to look in my planner to see what tomorrow's tasks are. not quite prepared to make all the phone calls to people who didn't rsvp. tired of counting and recounting tables which have not even begun to be assigned. and did i mention that i'm supposed to be moving in a week?

i've never been so tempted to burrow under the covers and never come out. although then my mother would design the centerpieces..../sigh/

defeated by my own nature.

saturday

the town felt empty today. apparently everyone i know left in order to attend a wedding or family event somewhere far from here. so i hung out with daniel and the brothers all day. and let me just tell you how strange it felt to be sitting at the dam smoker (yes, that IS the name of the bar-b-que joint) eating lunch with a  bunch of deans realizing that soon i, too, will be a dean.

whoa.

my wedding is 2 months away and this is just now hitting me. anyway, back to the whole "now i have brothers" story. i have never had brothers before. and not that my sisters and i are all that girlie, but, it's just different hanging out with boys all day. there was a lot less walking the aisles at target and talking and a lot more video games and basketball.

we also took the boys to the humane society where daniel and i became the proud owners of two little kittens...kinda. we bought them, but can't bring them home until june 5th. so of course i spent an hour researching kitten names tonight only to be appalled by some of the things people call their animals. do-do head? really?

i have been feeling the urge to run lately. probably because my body has been forced to survive on a diet of sugar, diet coke, sweet potato fries, and no sleep, and then further tortured by having to stare at the monthly charge from the gym on my credit card while I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE GYM LOOKS LIKE ANYMORE. argh. something must be done.

9 more days of school. hallelujah.

believe

when you have paint all over your elbows before 11am on a sunday, it's a long day. i michelangelo'd my way around the towering niche in our living room. this activity requires a 10-foot ladder, plywood to stand on so i don't go crashing through the drywall, and a very nervous daniel willing to hand me the roller. not for the faint of heart.

there's just something about purple paint that likes to linger on the elbows even after a 15-minute scrub fest in my shower. i know i'm going to be walking down the aisle in july and find a paint smudge somewhere on my body. i just KNOW it.

with the painting behind me, i decided to move on to grading papers. (yes, my sunday is the BEST day ever, thank you.) the lure of the computer proved too strong for immediate grading action, however, and i found myself on postsecret. every week there's a secret there that makes me pause my scrolling and today was no different. but as i continued to read a little section about graduation, i found a secret that required more than a pause.

"my friend thinks they can change the world. and i believe them."

lately in life i feel as though we've all gotten more realistic. apparently that happens as you grow up. but reading this secret made me feel ashamed. how dare i doubt dreams? how dare i put away my pom-poms? my friends deserve more from me...and i from them.

i close this post with the eternal words of journey..."don't stop, believin'"

it's as true now as it ever was.

take two...ACTION!

in 4 months i should have learned that NOTHING about this wedding is going to go right on the first try. let me direct your attention to the evidence:

the dress...
first shopping experience had me in tears in the dressing room vowing a 6 month hunger strike after a consultant said "i just don't think we'll be able to fit her in to any of these dresses."

the reception venue...
cheers and celebration after finding out our favorite downtown spot would be available to us, only to be informed a couple weeks later that, "yeah, um, i might be selling it actually."

the envelopes...
TWO HOURS of searching online that resulted in my laptop screen fading to black and a high tension call to the best fiance ever (who was at work at the time). nobody had ivory envelopes in the correct size, NOBODY.

i could go on and on. however, i found the most incredible dress that fits my personality as well as makes me smile. we booked a nice reception place that has not been overused in lake county (SCORE!). and with one little extra bit of info unknowingly provided by said "best fiance ever," the ivory envelopes are on their way.

i'm starting to look forward to the crappy first tries (as long as attempt number two continues to work out) because they make for great stories!!

can't see the forest...

i walked through the door into a fairy tale. candles blazed brilliant, spelling out a message that was already made clear in his eyes. the proposal? i have no idea what he said. but i definitely said yes.

these days my minutes rack up with country club after reception hall after museum, the list goes on. we redo numbers and prices. frustration seems to be my go-to emotion. planning a wedding, buying a house, getting my students ready for FCAT testing, getting myself ready for professional exams...

december 17th is like a distant memory at times.

but then we sit down, switch on an old FRIENDS episode and laugh at nothing. hold hands. i freak out over running his car over a curb and he shrugs it off. we plan a date night and eat each others' food. compete over the last "love you." and somewhere in between the craziness, we're still us.

and that's what makes it all worth it.

only the whisper of waves

all it took was a look. her eyebrows glanced upwards for 2 seconds. my lips inched outward.

we both were giddy to go.

the moon shimmered a golden path across the bay. slowly and carefully we lowered ourselves into the plastic kayaks. she regarded her paddle with suspicion. i dipped it right in and giggled as the warm water dripped across my reaching arms.

our island destination huddled in darkness. as we learned to glide across the waves, it rustled with suspicion. my eyes scanned for fins. her laughter rang out as she twirled circles through the current.

we both stopped. reached for paddles to anchor and leaned back. the stars blinked back at us and the rhythm of the night breezed across our salt drenched legs.

"i don't think i've ever even BEEN in a kayak before!" was the confession. "me neither!"

1am on tampa bay was an unforgettable inaugural voyage.

2.5 miles

i ran it hoping the pounding of the pavement would feel natural.

it didn't.

towards the end i had to force the longer strides, think about breathing, and taunt myself into finishing. this weekend the talk was of marathons, and i let myself get caught up in the fervor.

texas has a lot of room to run. i'm just trying to remember how long it took last time before my legs could fly.

eternity in an hour

there is freedom in an open window. sweaty curls pulled up messy and wind blowing at 70mph. some take-me-back-to freshman-year tunes blasting up through an open sunroof to a star-filled sky.

freedom.

dancing at every light and singing in that "no one can hear me and man do i sound GOOD!" voice in between slow downs. my hands spread wide to catch the moment. 2am left me alone on the road, with full confidence that my cloaking device kept the coppers at bay.

freedom.

freedom to dance and laugh, to sigh and reflect. freedom to relive the steps, to anticipate the evening, to let go and to hope.

ahhhh, freedom.

a day in the life

it's been a looooooong couple of weeks.

testing and stressed out kids, junior achievement day and speeches to give. every day our schedule has been different. every day has held some kind of challenge (you want me to keep 35 kids in a portable all day long?? well, suuuuure). and each day spring break has crept closer, bringing with it anticipation and jumpy fourth graders.

today was FIELD DAY(!!!!!!). in our cyber pink shirts we raced and tugged, threw sponges at each other and dodged obstacles.  my class took the time to sign each other's shirts...including mine. messages of love and encouragement scribbled everywhere. oh how the little punks make me smile.

i love my job.

red-rimmed eyes and dark sunglasses

the lyrics "don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright" danced out amid pictures of his frolicking childhood. at most other funerals, it would have seemed out of place. mocking almost.

what i remember vividly about him was his toothy grin. big blue eyes that lit up. how he always met a friend and how, even in high school, you were welcome at his table. he had a shimmer about him,  waves of excitement for what each day would bring.

i woke up this morning not sure if i would go. not sure if someone who hadn't really spoken to him in almost 8 years should go. only 27. a tragedy. would i be just another gawker on the highway?

sitting in a middle chair of a side row, my prayer was one of thanks. "thank you God for letting me briefly know this person. for allowing his plain and powerful niceness in younger years echo through the years to now." my tears joined those paying tribute to a life of shortened joy. to a life of everlasting joy.

Lane Pauli. may the Lord keep you. always.