search: empathy

big dreams

when i was 13 years old, i could easily name all the professions i DIDN'T want to be. not a doctor (eww, too much blood), or a vet (too many dogs), not a teacher (kids are annoying), or the president (not enough power). other than that, my options were open.

just 4 years later, i walked shakily to a podium and urged my classmates to build their dreams into beautiful castles. to gather the stones of their own journey and refuse to look back. my mind danced with visions of literary greatness, political lobbying, and covert ops.

then college happened. what had been previously praised as limitless options was tied down by the label "undecided." no major seemed to point directly to where i wanted to be, so i tried advertising. the idea of being my own think-tank appealed, and the thought of writing short messages for the world was a strong seductive force.

for a time.

now i teach. i demonstrate, i mold, i provide the foundation for other peoples' dreams. it is a noble and wonderful profession. and yet some days it's not enough. some days i open the blueprints of my castle and grieve for the stones not gathered. and lately i wonder if "undecided" has forever captured my limitless options.

anniversary

two years ago yesterday i married my husband. i laugh and shake my head when questioned about the wedding. i encourage others to elope and throw a grand party. i complain that the details have become blurry and that the day was a kaleidoscope of faces and family.

truth? i wouldn't have traded my wedding for all the hawaiian islands. i loved the debates over whether a song was appropriate for dancing or a little too "booty shakey." i smile over the fact that candles hung in mason jars and my grandpa's air force pin was clipped safely under my train. best of all...i will never forget walking down the aisle.

that walk wrecked me. it humbled me, lifted me up, caused tears to stream down my face, and imprinted the moment as a memory that could outlast alzheimer's.

at that moment i knew how much i was loved. how much i had been loved. how much i will always be loved. at that moment i thanked God for his many blessings.

and two years later i'm still thankful. 

written expression

every month i look at my amex statement and am reminded of this cookie jar of my thoughts. i miss the opportunity to express myself in more than 140 characters. perhaps july begins the search again.

blood and diamonds

sometimes, it's what we choose NOT to talk about that defines us.

like anyone else, i peruse the magazine covers as i wait for my groceries to be bagged. did you know angelina jolie is coming clean about her relationship with brad? and apparently they've discovered obama's 34th birth certificate. the glossy covers are hard to ignore and even easier to chat about over coffee.

then whenever i get around to checking twitter, i can tell you what my friends are watching, drinking, hoping at any given moment. i might even be able to give you a scandal-by-scandal account of the bachelorette...though i've never watched the show.

we are connected... no, informed, in so many ways.

tonight i sat down to watch the movie blood diamond. it took a hollywood adaptation to bring me back to the streets of amsterdam. to the girls in the windows. to the human trafficking flyers. to place me once more in a darkened auditorium watching a documentary on invisible children. to hearing a 15-year-old talk about how many he has killed. to a classroom studying the history of violence in south america. to creating ads exposing the human rights stories of the "disappeared" in colombia.

the final line of one of my favorite goo goo dolls songs comes to mind...

"what's the point in all this screaming, you're not listening anyway."

it's been a long day. a couple minutes before deciding to post, i lay with my head scrunched into my pillow, softly explaining why i don't want my last memory of my grandfather to be in a hospital bed with wires.

it feels selfish. but my throat begins to close just thinking of that 5th floor room.

he used to be chief of police. and yesterday i was driving home remembering the one time i ever saw him tear up. not cry, mind you. but eyes that looked glassy just for a moment. that was the christmas only days before we left michigan. that was the christmas when we made him the "world's best grandpa" sweatshirt with the handprints.

weakness was not in his vocabulary.

but now the parkinson's is weakening his will. and the dementia makes him sad. and all i can think about is a sweatshirt with tiny orange and red and blue handprints on it.

my eyes turn glassy, but no tears. i think maybe i got that from him.

i won't grow up

i have this bizarre need to watch a disney movie. mulan is high on the list right now (which is odd considering it was never my favorite).

we sang a couple rounds of "under the sea" after club tonight and "a whole new world" is sighing its way through my brain at the moment.

a cup of hot tea. a warm blanket. a day spent on a couch with princesses and beasts and an evil witch named maleficent. that's all i ask.

struggling

it's been a hard week. most days i've come home with red eyes and feet that scrape through the kitchen. i've never had a group of kids that tax my energy to the breaking point. kids that are so needy in so many ways. part of me wants to slam out of the room, run up to the front office and scream, " i can't do it!"

every single day i feel like i'm not enough.

and then this tuesday i had to make one of the hardest phone calls of my teaching career. of course i can't say anything about the details of that call, but just know that i was shaking as i held the receiver.

my heart hurts for some of these kids. but at the same time i want to close down, to save at least a piece of my energy for the other 5-6 hours of my day.

it's only been 5 weeks. that thought is not one i can contemplate right now.

what i love the most

totally ripping this off a country song, but i felt inspired, so here goes...

i love velveeta mac and cheese,
and i love when tiny kids say please,
i love GATOR football games,
and the meaning behind baby names.

yeah, i'm a fan of dooce's site,
and roses soft and creamy white,
Harry Potter always makes me smile,
and it feels good to jog a mile.

yes, i love to talk with friends,
and what family time invokes,
i dip grilled cheese in ketchup, yum,
and jack d in my coke,
lightning storms make my heart beat fast,
i'll jump off anything high, no boast
but after God himself, i know,
I love Daniel most :)